my days adventure

i checked out the scene of the movie theater at 11:15 am. no one was in line. this made me happy. i asked and was told that lines wouldnt start forming til school got out but i would want to be in line earlier rather than later to ensure that i had a good spot. i went to the mall for about 30 mins and returned to find the lines still empty....

which meant....

I WAS THE FIRST ONE! (anyone who knows how competitive i am knows that being the first one in line meant that i won the imaginary competition that i had created about being the first person in line)

so my waiting in line began around noon today. (we were seeing the twilight showing at 9:00 followed by new moon at 12:01) and for almost 3 hours i waited with no one else in line.... a few moms began to show up around three...and i just smiled knowing i was first-though i did get a few weird looks and lots of questions...my favorite was when people wanted to know if i lost the bet and had to be the one to wait in tine..

drea showed up a little after 4 and we were able to get her wedding invitations stuffed while we waited...the rest of the girls began arriving in our team jacob and team edward shirts we had made...

they let us in the theater around 8 and i will tell you that i found great satisfaction in being the "line leader" into the theater and being the first person in the theater...which meant we got to pick the best seats in the house...

by the time we left the theater i had been there for 15 hours. my body hurt from sitting on concrete for most of them. i was tired and in need of sleep. BUT IT WAS SOOOO WORTH IT

there arent even words to describe it...but it was AMAZING and i cant wait to see it again!!!

random thoughts from my heart

so my small group is reading a book called "having a mary spirit: allowing God to change us from the the inside out" by joanna weaver. and man has there been so many good things i have realized and have begun to learn in reading this book.

this week the chapter was titled "fault lines". the author defines fault lines as core issues that fuel our desires and shape our actions-these are the cracks in our character. They are an inevitable consequence of living as a fallen human being with other fallen human beings on a fallen earth. as a redaer we were asked yo examine our fault lines...the areas in our lives where we are weak and where Satan can add pressure in order to make us fall into destruction. these are the vulnerable spots in our souls.

in reading this chapter, i realized MANY of my fault lines. but there was one that really stuck out the the author talked about. *sidebar: this author does such a good job of putting exactly how i feel into words-something i lack and something i love about books-being able to capture how i feel and put it into words*

i am a chronic chameleon, i spend my life and my efforts constantly changing colors and outfits to fit whatever situation i find myself in. its a game of approval. its exhausting.

shame and regret from the past tell me i will never be different and that i am incapable of changing. fear of making mistakes keeps me from trying anything at all.

this is a huge fault line in my life. and one that i often dont show. but as i begin to be honest with myself and ask God to expose my fault lines...this one begins to show...

but i am learning (with the help of this book) that I have a mighty God who is able to redeem me at my darkest moments and in my deepest fears. a loving Father who promises to keep watch at our points of vulnerability, to strengthen us when we're weak, to correct the lies that have led us astray and to heal the rifts in our souls.

BUT only if we give Him access.

Lord, help me to be aware of my fault lines and also to run to You to in my weakness. You are my Rock and my foundation. only You can make my paths straight. i desire to put my hope in You knowing that You are able to do more than i ask or imagine. I choose to put my trust in You-trusting that though my world around me shakes and trembles You are my firm foundation.

Jeremiah 24:6-7

⁶ My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. ⁷ I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart

bridges

The school counselor is teaching a set of lessons for the next two days in my class. She is talking about respecting differences, cooperation, and communication. The kids are doing an activity where they are building bridges out of toothpicks, raisins, and marshmallows. She keeps reminding them of how important it is for them to have a strong foundation or support system for their bridge.

I couldn’t help but take this and think about how in the relationships of our lives we must have a strong foundation and support system in order to survive. We need a good, core group of people that will be our foundation-our support system. These will be people who will hold us up when we aren’t strong enough, that will support us when we take risks, who will rejoice with us in the good times and mourn with us in the sad times.

As the kids were building, they realized that without a strong and stable foundation, their bridges would begin to fall over. Sure they might stand up on their own for a little bit, but the more time that passed and the more they added to their bridge, the quicker their bridge began to fall. We may be able to go on through life without a good support system for a little while, but as time goes on and as life begins to throw things at ya…we wont be able to stand up alone.

I consider myself a pretty strong individual. And independent. I don’t need help. I can probably figure it out on my own (and if not I just call my dad..haha). I can solve my own problems. I don’t like to cry in front of people because I feel it makes me look weak-like I cant handle life.

Most days.

Other days that’s not the case. Some days I know I cant do it alone (even though I try). My bridge begins to fall over. I usually try to remedy this problem before my entire bridge collapses. But sometimes I am just not that lucky. I need my support system.

I need my support system. I cant do it alone. I need them to live life alongside me. To pick me up when I fall. To hear me vent when life is just driving me crazy. To love on me when I feel like I have no more love to give. I need their affirmation. I need them to laugh with me. To play and be adventurous with me. To share in my small joys in life. To just sit and talk with me and make me feel important.

When I sit and think about my support system I realize that I am blessed by having so many friends. Really I have lots and lots of them. Some who have been friends forever and others I have just met- those who have been in my life for seasons and those who have weathered out some tough storms. I have been closer to some at certain times than others. But who are my core, foundation friends? The ones who I trust to be my support system? The ones who I feel I can honestly open up to?

These are tough questions.

I appear to be a very open person. I will share my life and struggles with people. But the honest truth is that the level of openness is not that deep. I have built a very strong wall that protects my deepest fears, struggles, and feelings. There are only a handful of people who I have allowed to come to that wall. And an even smaller number who have been let inside that wall. This means my foundation to my bridge is not that strong at times. I am learning to be more open and honest. To take time to examine my foundation and build it up so that it can be strong enough to support me. This means a lot of personal reflection and a lot of praying.

Lord, help me to realize the people you have placed in my life to be my support system. Allow me to build a stronger foundation of believers in my life that will help me grow closer to You. Teach me to trust- to open up and be honest with them. To be vulnerable and learn that its ok to lean on them for support-that’s why You gave them to me! J

thoughts...

"When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal." – unknown

healing is never any fun. Its usually painful, uncomfortable, annoying, and longer than we would like. But it is a necessary part of life. Without healing we would always be ill, injured, or hurting. This is true physically, emotionally, and spitiritually.

I have chosen to not bow my head in sadness during my time of hurting, but rather lift my eyes to heaven in search of healing.

I would be lying to say that it doesn’t hurt. That my heart doesn’t wish it was different. That I am afraid of the unknown of the future. That I miss the good times that were had.

I would be lying to say that I am not sad. That I don’t wonder what would need to be different to make it work.

I would be lying to say that I didn’t know this is what I needed-though it was not what I wanted.

Despite the hard and difficult time that is my life, I am doing good. Why? Because I know God is good and is in control and He works all things out for His purpose. I may not and often just do not understand His purpose…but that is why I trust Him to be in control. I have faith in Him and I know that I am His beloved creation and He loves me and cherishes me and is protecting me.

My heart is ok. I wont say it is great. But I cant say it is terrible. It is ok. Each day is another day and I just choose to look to heaven for healing.

I am thankful. Beyond thankful. In this difficult time and a time that typically tends to be very unpleasant and awkward, I have been blessed to have been able to keep my best friend. Yes things have changed and the roles that each of us play in each others lives has changed, but I still have a relationship with one of my closest friends.

It isn’t awkward. Its normal. Its healthy. We talk-and actually communicate. Sometimes it feels like we are better friends than before.

I don’t expect people to understand this idea of going back to being such good friends. And honestly many don’t and question the whole thing. But I know my heart. And my heart is good. I would be devastated if I had to lose him completely. 3 years is a long time…

…and yes my heart still cares deeply. Which makes walking away so much harder. My mind has had to keep my heart in check and it has not been an easy road but it has been a good road. I know the journey is just beginning and that God has incredible things in store for both of us. I have no idea what those things are. That’s the unknown. But I choose to trust Him and follow wherever He may lead me.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

Helen Keller

its been a long time

i realized tonight it has been a long time since i have blogged...and the last few were pretty emotional yet vague. yet they definitely capture the mood of that phase of life. since the last blog life has changed. in ways that i wanted and in ways that i did not.

i was able to enjoy my always too short summer vacation. i enjoyed time with my friends on a mini vacation. i was able to go on our annual family vacation. i was able to sleep in. to read for fun. it was nice. but off course passed to quickly. i am so thankful for my job and the teaching year round thing...i really enjoy the work 3 months and get 1 off situation....

but off course that month of fun had to come to an end and i went back to work. started the brand new school year with 23 students (am currently up to 25 as of now). i have a pretty mellow class (thank goodness) and have definitely been fortunate to not have any real troublemakers in any of my classes since i started teaching. i am excited to be able to love on these kids over the course of the school year and not only teach them all they need to know...but also show the love of Jesus to them daily.

along with a new school year with new kids and changes in the way we do things at school came more changes in my life...

i am embarking on a new journey in life as a single girl. it was one of the hardest decisions of my life to make. it has been over a month now and in all honesty i still struggle with this decision. i know this is natural. when you live life alongside someone for 3 years its very difficult to understand that God knows what is best. and what is best is not always easy or what we want. i didnt stop loving him that day. i care for him so deeply. yet i know i had to do what i did. for me. i am BEYOND blessed to have had him as a part of my life as a boyfriend during the time that i did. he was my best friend. which makes it so difficult. i am so thankful that we are able to be friends. like true friends. that can talk and hang out and not be weird. our lives are so involved with church and family and friends that if we werent able to be friends it would be miserable. God is working in my heart and in my life during this time. and i pray that He is doing the same for him. when asked how i am doing...i say good. because honestly i am doing well. processing and working through so many things in my life that have come up and that i have realized. its not easy but its good. i am doing good. that doesnt mean that i dont have the hard days. the sad days. the days where i wish things were different. i know God is good. and that HE is in control. and HIS will is what will be accomplished. He is healing my heart and filling me with His joy...

so i keep myself busy these days. with work. the beginning of the school year is so busy. with church...just finishing our VBX...with my nieces and nephew...lots of disneyland/sea world/sleepovers/quality dates with nina. with friends...really enjoying spending quality time with my friends.

life is good. different. unknown. but good

Empty me Lord....so I can be filled with You

Doesn't know why it bothers me so....but it does...

family vacation!!!

so every year my grandparents take the family to lake powell for a week in july!! i have great memories on our houseboat as a child. its so relaxing and a good time for all of us to be together. well i havent been on this trip since i was 17...but this year it just so happens that i am off track in july so i am totally able to go...

it was a great trip. we relaxed, played games, ate, and laid in the sun...so good!!! here are a few pics...

this was our view from the back of the boat...so pretty

!

challenge to self.

i have decided that i would like to read through all of the psalms. start to finish. 

i find myself often feeling irritated, angry, hurt, discontent, lonely, insignificant:::: all feelings that are not from the Lord and definitely opposite of being filled with His joy and purpose:::: more often than i would like. 

So i figured i would  fill my heart and mind with thoughts of Him instead. and have chosen to try reading the psalms. i feel like David (and the other authors) felt some of those same feelings and so i would be encouraged and CHALLENGED in reading their words.

so i will read. and hopefully journal a few thoughts...i like to journal. it helps me process.

psalm 1

i want my delight (great pleasure) to be in the law of the Lord. How can i make this happen? 

i fall short of meditating (thinking deeply, carefully considering) on it day and night. i pray for better diligence in meditating on the Word. Need work on memorizing more scripture. :-( 

to be like a tree...firmly planted BY THE STREAM. How can i grow if i do not soak in the Word??

He promises to WATCH OVER the way of the righteous and that the way of the wicked WILL perish

random thoughts

its crazy how certain things trigger memories in our mind. 

you can hear a song on the radio and instantly you are back at a middle school dance reliving some awkward moment. or a song reminds you of someone special and your face lights up. 

you can smell a familiar smell and be reminded of a place you have been to or a person you love. 

you can look at a picture and be reminded of fun times and bad clothing/hair style choices. 

an event can happen and you are 'time warped" back to another time and place. 

it can bring joy, laughter, and comfort to have these memories triggered. i love moments when this happens:::

every time i hear britney spears' "dont let me be the last to know" i am dancing with * a boy* at my junior prom. that memory and the feelings that went with it are so clear and vivid and are triggered each time i hear that song. 

curve cologne is a "safe" smell for me. i feel safe and comfortable  and familiar when i smell it. my dad wears it and so does josh. i find comfort in that smell. ~TRUE STORY: i also love the smell of menudo cooking. my grandma would often let it cook overnight and waking up to that smell was my favorite cuz i knew what we were eating that day. (fat kid at heart) it now reminds me of my grandma who passed away when i was in high school. its a memory.

i love to sit and look at pictures of "back in the day" i am often reminded of good friends, great relationships, and insane amounts of laughter. i love capturing moments with my friends. keepsakes. memories.

but it also works in a negative way.

there are songs i hear that take me back to memories i would rather forget. songs that i used to like and i am think: "what was o thinking?"

there are smells that do not remind us of pleasant things.

there are pictures i am sure we would all wish didnt exist.

 most of the time things happen in life that we have no control over. these events much like songs, smells, and pictures remind us of things...people...places...emotions. this can bring good or bad memories and often they catch you off guard.

something happens and it gets you all worked up and you cant figure out why...then you realize that this has triggered some other memory...

crazy.

So...i love this guy...really i do. He makes me smile and laugh. all the time. he keeps me in check (hahaha but really, that is a difficult job) he loves me. he serves me. he listens (most of the time..hahaha) to my meaningless stories. he lets me be me....and seems to love me for who i am :-) he puts up with my inexplainable quirks and logic (he has some of his own...)

he is my best friend and i just love to be in his company. i feel comfortable and safe with him around. i want to serve him. i respect him. he is a man who truly desires to glorify God in all that he does. i am challenged and encouraged by him all the time. i am constantly learning how to show him my respect. i am so blessed by him...

i love this picture (thanks hooch) its blurry...which is how life feels sometimes...crazy busy...but we both have such big smiles on our face...we are happy...filled with joy and love...i love it. i love him. 

So this will be a vague and short post....Sometimes life just isn't fair...

prizes

so i enjoy prizes...little gifts that are given for no apparent reason or as a reward or as a sign of gratitude...i like to give them...but also receive them....

so a few weeks ago josh preached at church...and he did PHENOMENAL...and no i am not just saying that because he is my man and i am so proud of him...but really he did...God really used him to speak to us... anyways one of my favorite things about when josh preaches is being his support. now this takes all kinds of forms.... it means praying diligently for him as he prepares...as well as supporting him as he deals with the stress of work...and one of my favorite parts is helping him "practice" but this is me listening to him as he works through his ideas and such...i love listening to him speak..he has such a gift...anyways back to the PRIZES

it has become routine for megan to come for part of his practice time...we are like his practice audience to help bounce his ideas off of....we tell him what works and what doesnt...we are his best critics...

well since this last time went so well megan and i decided we deserved PRIZES....

he suggested we get to was his car as a PRIZE and then i had to explain what prizes are....

he did a much better job and got us these:

 he said they were perfect for us because we only have to water them once a month and he said it is basically impossible for us to kill them...

i love him

i have....

Instructions: Copy & Paste. Then bold the things you have done. That's it. :)

1.Started your own blog {i love blogging...and blogstalking}
2.Slept under the stars {i miss my summers at pine summit when we used to do this often}
3.Played in a band 
4.Visited Hawaii 
5.Watched a meteor shower
6.Given more than you can afford to charity
7.Been to Disneyland {favorite place }
8.Climbed a mountain {ugh...not my favorite...but it was part of summer camp when i was young}
9.Held a praying mantis
10.Sang a solo 
11.Bungee jumped
12.Visited Paris
13.Watched a lightning storm at sea
14.Taught yourself an art from scratch 
15.Adopted a child {well sponsored a child when i was in high school with my friend greg}
16.Had food poisoning {no fun}
17.Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18.Seen the Mona Lisa in France
19.Slept on an overnight train
20.Had a pillow fight {not since i was young though}
21.Hitchhiked
22.Taken a sick day when you’re not ill {josh hates when i do this...but a mental health day IS a sick day}
23.Built a snow fort
24.Held a lamb
25.Gone skinny dipping {i was in middle school}
26.Run a Marathon
27.Ridden in a gondola in Venice
28.Seen a total eclipse 
29.Watched a sunrise or sunset {sunsets in big bear are glorious...not been up for the sunrise..that is too early for me}
30.Been on a cruise
31.Seen Niagara Falls in person
32.Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
33.Seen an Amish community
34.Taught yourself a new language
35.Had enough money to be truly satisfied 
36.Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
37.Gone rock climbing
38.Seen Michelangelo’s David.
39.Sung karaoke {only with amanda...in big bear...at murray's love it}
40.Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
41.Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
42.Visited Africa
43.Walked on a beach by moonlight {i think this is romantic}
44.Been transported in an ambulance
45.Had your portrait painted
46.Gone deep sea fishing
47.Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
48.Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
49.Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
50.Kissed in the rain {one of my favorite memories}
51.Played in the mud {i like dirt}
52.Gone to a drive-in theatre 
53.Been in a movie
54.Visited the Great Wall of China
55.Started a business
56.Taken a martial arts class
57.Visited Russia
58.Served at a soup kitchen {or at the city mission}
59.Sold Girl Scout Cookies
60.Gone whale watching
61.Donated blood, platelets or plasma {thanks conway for taking me...i totally need to do it again}
62.Gone sky diving
63.Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
64.Bounced a check
65.Flown in a helicopter
66.Saved a favourite childhood toy {benji!!!}
67.Visited the Lincoln Memorial {one of my favorite things about my trip}
68.Eaten Caviar
69.Pieced a quilt
70.Stood in Times Square
71.Toured the Everglades
72.Been fired from a job
73.Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
74.Broken a bone.
75.Been on a speeding motorcycle {well it wasnt speeding...it made me nervous...i told my dad he couldnt go on the freeway}
76.Seen the Grand Canyon in person 
77.Published a book
78.Visited the Vatican
79.Bought a brand new car 
80.Walked in Jerusalem
81.Had your picture in the newspaper
82.Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
83.Visited the White House {i saw it}
84.Killed and prepared an animal for eating
85.Had chickenpox 
86.Saved someone’s life
87.Sat on a jury
88.Met someone famous {i have a friend...brad...he is kind of a rock star} hahahah
89.Joined a book club
90.Lost a loved one
91.Had a baby
92.Seen the Alamo in person
93.Swam in the Great Salt Lake
94.Been involved in a law suit
95.Owned a cell phone 
96.Been stung by a bee
97.Hit a home run
98.Got flowers for no reason {yay josh}
99.Grown your own vegetables

i love my "family"

went to disneyland yesterday with my "family" its in quotes since none of them are technically related to me...but might as well be.... went with megan, faith (joshs mom), jeremy and erin (joshs brother and sister in law), and their kids ty, keirra, and kaydin.... here are some pics...it was prob one of the best disneyland days i have ever had

nervous..or maybe was just told "no more pretzels" haha

                                                    this is his new smile...silly boy

                                                        who doesn't love turkey legs???
                                               she just enjoyed the ride...she is so pretty
thier cute 3d glasses for toy story...they loved it

a funny one

so i feel like i have to catch up on blogging...its been a long time...this is one that i have had the idea to blog for awhile but not had the chance....so here it is

so our church has a website (www.visitcbc.com) and somehow i did not get a profile on the "who we are" page?????? whats that about. josh said something about how you have to work there to get one??? crazy i tell you...so since he wont give me one...i just stole the page and am putting it here!!!! hahahahahaha

Name: Lanaya
Title: josh's girlfriend (his better half)
Home Town:  san bernardino
Family Info: i have a big family. but the immediate ones are a dad, mom, brother, 2 sisters, one nephew and 3 nieces...and my "daughter megan"

How did you come to CBC?
About 3 and 1/2 years ago (????) I visited the college group a few times. I was invited (by josh if i remember correctly) to visit a sunday morning service. I fell in love with the church but was still attending my parents church. After a few Sunday visits, I knew CBC was my home. And they havent been able to get rid of me since 

What is your role at CBC?
I date josh. and basically daniel pryde and i run things around there...dont tell josh....he doesnt know yet. we let him think he does. i also volunteer in the CBC Kids program, lead the girls college/career small group and am on the ladies ministry team 

What is the best part of your role?
i love josh. and in all seriousness wouldnt trade it for anything. working with kids is my favorite and just brings joy to my week. i like being able to serve. thats my favorite part of my role...and daniel and i like to play tricks on josh too

What do you count as the greatest invention of the last 100 years? Why?
lame i know but the text messaging...and as of currently blogging...cars and air conditioning are quite convenient too

If you were a season, what season would you be? Why?
Fall. i like to see leave change color (though they dont really here in the ghetto.. but i like the idea of it) and its not hot. or too rainy. 

What is your favorite place on earth? Why?
I have a few. i love watching the sunset over big bear lake. i also love disneyland. its just the happiest place on earth.

What makes you laugh?
what doesnt make me laugh? i love to laugh. Josh makes me laugh. And so does megan...she is very funny in case you didnt know. my 5th grade students get me laughing daily. my nieces and nephew can always make me laugh too 

What makes you cry?
animal movies. i am not a crier but movies with animals in it always make me emotional. and when my feelings get hurt :-( 

If you could be on any reality television show, which one would it be? Why?
the real world. just seems like fun. and i am so outgoing and love social things that i think i would enjoy living with a group of strangers and have to get to know them. and i would love to be able to live in a completely furnished house in a really cool city and have an awesome job given to me. :-)

Want to ask me a question? Contact me at...

just text me :-)

small group

i love them. had such a good time of fellowship with them. (even though one of our girls was gone...her last premarital counseling session...holla for her getting married) 

we spent the time tonight sharing life...laughing....talking of our joys and struggles....and....

eating frozen yogurt!!!! (yummy...BUBBLE YUM frozen yogurt...it said no fat so that means its healthy right??? and PRAISE JESUS for whoever thought of bubble gum flavored frozen yogurt...with mini gummi bears and fruity pebbles...AMAZING) oh i almost forgot the marshmallow cream....

learning

i have been learning lots lately from many different avenues: 

my students. crazy i know but J has definitely been the one who has taught me the most this year and i am really going to miss him.

a new book i just bought: love and respect. who knew? and where has this book been when i have needed it???? ( thanks to my friend bryan for the recommendation) 

my small group: living life along side them and studying galatians with them has been incredible...i love them all very much

my josh: (hehehehe) but really his sermon that he taught this week just blew me away (and kicked me in the butt too) 

my friends: their words, actions, and attitudes (and blogs...hahaha) 

best saturday

this last saturday amanda was in town for a wedding. since she rarely comes to the ghetto she made a weekend of it and stopped by to see me!!!! it was so good to have her here and just enjoy her company, her laugh, her love. she is so incredible and has been such a solid rock in my life over the last few years. we have laughed together (ALOT) and cried together. snuggled in bed for nap time in willow. made inappropriate comments. checked for infections. it has been such a joy to have her in my life. she encourages me. lets me be me. asks the hard questions. and challenges me. i love her very much

lucky

so i am pretty lucky to have such an incredible family. we are very close and i love spending time with them. we have our issues at times but i love it. i enjoy  being with them any chance i get and we are so involved in each others lives. today as i spent time with them celebrating my mom i realized how thankful i am for them. 

my mom is amazing. we have not always been so close and naturally like any kid growing up...we had our hard times. i get on her nerves and she gets on mine....but thats part of what makes us mother and daughter...she knows me better than anyone no matter how much i try to deny it :-) but in the last few years we have become such close friends. i know she would do anything for me (or any of us kids) she has and continues to work very hard each day to be able to provide us kids with the best life possible. she has sacrificed much in order for us kids to be happy. i really do pray that i make her proud. that my life and decisions would be ones that she will be proud of. i love her very much and could say so many more things about her. 

just wanted to post a few pics of my family. the first one is from vegas for my brothers 21st birthday. there are two important people missing so i posted other pics with them in it....

finally

havent had the internet for over a month....it feels good to be back in the loop....oh there are so many things i have wanted to post...will have to catch up soon....

10 things..

i miss...

1. special times in big bear with these two...they have ben such a huge blessing in my life. and played a strong role in my journey.

2. my dear friend ally. been through a lot together- growing up through college along side each other. i know that i can count on her for anything. she has always been an encourager. and someone who asks the hard questions and keeps me accountable. i had the honor to stand alongside her for her wedding to shawn this past summer...one of the highlights of my life

3. big bear lake with these girls. so many heartfelt conversations were shared here. along with so much laughter. i love them and miss the simplicity life seemed to have at this specific season of life.

4. my special friend in costa rica. my heart fell in love with him the moment i met him. i have not stopped thinking and praying about him since i left in february of last year. i hope and pray that i will get to see him again when i return in december of this year. (i also miss costa rica...and highly anticipate my return)

5. amanda (though i am seeing her in a week!!!) she has been someone who makes me laugh no matter what. she affirms me with her words an her friendship daily. i have shared my heart with her and she has in turn loved and cared for me so deeply. i am truly blessed by her and so sad i dont see her enough...but this next weekend will be GLORIOUS!!!

6. when ty would spend the night with me (before the  girls were born) and we 

would have breakfast at my favorite donut shop before church on sunday

7. when keirra and kaydin were this little. this was one of our favorite days ever meeting our twin nieces for the first time!!!! he is holding kaydin  and i am holding keirra...and i know it is not ok to have favorites but josh and i figure if we both have one favorite...then neither will be left out :-) and funny that this picture from the first day we met them actually reflects our favorites :-) (side note...we love each of our nieces and nephew the same)

8. the laughter and company shared with my cousins at christmas time. i hope we will never stop spending quality time together at the holidays. we have so many special traditions.

9. hooch. i love her and am sad she lives in another state. she is another special friend God gave me in college. He knew i needed her. i am glad He knew. i had the joy and honor of standing beside her (and my other close friend james) at her wedding this summer...i am one lucky girl

10. the gypsy den. no words can even be said to describe this amazingness. i know i will never relive that season of life...and i am thankful i had that opportunity...but i miss it!!!

(post was inspired by amanda...cant wait to see you!!!!)

not sleepy

so tomorrow is my first day back at work with students. went back to work today for a teacher work day so i just got to work in my classroom. alone. kid free for the day. definitely a nice transition back into work mode. but i have gotten so used to being able to stay up late and sleep in a bit that i am not tired and need to sleep. i need so badly to sleep. so in hopes of making myself sleepy i am going to blog.

we are moving. to a bigger apartment next week...so we thought

 we should start packing. well we have completed the following:

-the hall closet

-the laundry closet/area

-our bathroom areas (well other than the essential things we will need this next week)

we still have lots to do:

-the kitchen (ugh)

-the junk drawers (YES. plural. how do 2 people end up with so much junk things that we actually need more than 1 (or 2) drawers designated for junk. 

-the living room

-odds and ends (basically random crap we have accumulated over the last year)

-meg's room

i was able to get my room done tonight while megan was at practice

e (we are going to be storing all packed items in my room to keep them out of the way and to make it easier to clean the apartment this weekend

this is what my room looks like packed. oh moving. why must you be so not fun????

i did take a break to watch twilight with megan tonight and talk to my dear friend nicole from college. man. it has been years (probably since her wedding in 2005) since we have talked like we did tonight. i miss her. and realized tonight how thankful i am that God gave her to me as a friend at cbu. He knew i needed her. and just how much i needed her friendship, love, encouragement, and humor my last couple years there. she is incredible and now lives in texas with her hubby...i miss her...i should go visit....i do have my southwest credits...hhhmmm maybe next off track time.... 

:-)

lots of things...

...which will lead to a random blog...so in order to help the readers they are in bullet points

a. i just got back from a random and quick trip to tuscon. my brother lives out there and i needed to make a trip out to get some furniture (see point b.) luckily drea was wonderful enough to make the trip with me. it is a 7 hour (yes 7 hours) drive from my home in the ghetto to tuscon. and it is a pretty boring drive. ugh. anyways left about 730 on tuesday night (which haas us arriving about 3 am on weds...due to many breaks (see point a1). slept in a bit and then used the handy tomtom (awesome by the way for someone so directionally challenged as me) to find brothers work and visited him. watched a movie and played some guitar hero world tour and then went to dinner. went to bed since we were getting up at 5 am on thursday to load up the furniture and make the drive back. like i said. a very quick trip. it was nice to spend some time with my brother. as much as he DRIVES ME CRAZY and hurts my feelings. i love him and do miss him very much and how close we were when he lived here.

a1. road trips with girls are way better cuz you can stop whenever you want and however many times  you want. no stress about "staying on schedule" or "making good time". you can just play

b. i am moving. to a new apartment. but in the same complex. just bigger. as of april 1st we will be living in a 3 bedroom apartment. the reason for the move: my sister is moving in with us. (and my niece too ) i havent always been close with my step sister but as we have grown up a lot in the last year and life has given m family some trying circumstances, we have grown closer. my sisters life seems to be coming together and since she is currently living in my parents office, it will be a definite blessing for her to move out and have some space. so i am so excited to be able to help her out and to get to live with my niece. so all that, we are moving. but no worries it is the same place just bigger. so still visit us. :-)

c. pray for my little nephew ty. he is very sick right now (pink eye and 2 ear infections) and the doctors are doing some tests to figure out whats going on with his digestive tract. he is having some pain in his stomach. he is so very special to me so please say a little prayer for him as you read this. 

d. community group. have been leading one for a long time. i love it. and God has given me a different dynamic group of people each time. i have learned so many things from each group. the last cycle we did with it my group was large. quite large. some nights almost 20 people were crammed in my living room. which is awesome but makes the small group/community setting very hard to achieve. due to such a large group we decided to split into 2 groups after christmas. the groups are now about 5-8 consistent people in each. this was weird and different for all of us and at first we were not so sure we liked it. as the weeks have gone on it has definitely grown on us. the group is closer. we are studying galatians right now. and my group is moving very slowly through it but it is working for us. tonight was good. really good. one of the girls was sharing some questions she has been having about the chapter we are in. just things she is trying to figure out the answers to. and it was not what i had planned on going over tonight but that was ok. i just kinda let the conversation go where God was leading it. there were only 4 of us tonight and so the discussion was small and nice. we all put in some input about the questions or formed new ones about the topic. as i reflect on the discussion it was so neat to see all four of us in our Bibles searching for scripture that we felt would answer the question or provide encouragement. we were digging!!! so cool. man i am so lucky for my small group girls and the friendships i am making are life long and solid (even if ariel thinks i am too old to be her life long friend...hahahhaha) i am the "leader" i guess but i feel so inadequate sometimes and especially tonight i feel i learned more than anyone i was"leading" i love them...

e. i am slacker of a person. so my small group has decided to memorize a verse each week that God is teaching us with. then we come to small group and recite the verse. and each week you recite your new one and your old one. this was the second week we have done it AND the second week that i didnt do it. ugh. i even picked one out this week but didnt learn it by heart. i feel lame. but my group is challenging me to do it. i have made the commitment to learn THREE for next week. (so keep me in check)

f. james and ruth have been here this week and i have gotten to spend some time with them (and more tomorrow)  these two are so very special to me. james was one of my very first friends at cbu. we went to school together, worked at camp, and worked as RA's together. he is like the big brother i didnt have. he made fun of me ALOT (and still does..which i love), made me laugh all the time, challenged me CONSTANTLY, and encouraged and loved me as a sister in Christ. i went through some pretty rough times in life and he was always there for me. a shoulder to cry on when i needed it, a reality check when i needed to be kicked in the butt, a laugh when i was down, and encouragement always. a constant friend for life. and ruth. well she is just amazing. we became friends my junior year and her sophomore year. we worked as RA's together and at camp. man do we have some good stories to tell about our year as RA's (we were pretty much the best ones ever...hahahahaha..oh vegas...) instantly we became friends. she is so kind and selfless. and she is FUNNY. seriously. she has a servants heart and one of the best friends ever. she was always someone i knew i could count on to understand my heart and never judge me when i shared it with her. and i still feel that way now. we shared life together those last two years i was at cbu. such an amazing woman of character. well i had the pure joy of bein in their wedding this last summer (and being the one who called them getting married after their first date..hahahaha). on few occasions have i felt so much joy and felt so proud as i did that day. it was truly an honor to stand beside two of my closest friends as they marry each other. i am so thankful for both of them being a part of my life and for the quality time i have gotten to spend with them this week.

g. had a girls day with ruth and shannon (ronnies (see g1) beautiful fiance). it was amazing. so nice to relax and enjoy each others company. we got manicures and pedicures. there was great conversation and yummy frozen yogurt. i am glad God has blessed me with these two beautiful women as friends. and i look forward to many more girls' days like this one...

g1. shout out to ronnie: ronnie is one of my other very closest friends from cbu. we have also been friends since my freshman year when he farted ON me and i didnt even know him. gross i know. but we have been friends ever since. he has been such a great friend. another big brother i never had. he is an incredible listener. and gives good advice. i have loved our many countless hours of conversation. definitely been an encouragement in my life. he is one of those friends that is there for you no matter what. anytime you need him he is there. there is such comfort and peace in having a quality friend who has your back no matter what. and i love that we have started little traditions amongst us...steak and crab...mmmhhhmmm and i appreciate that he always manages to be there to support you on important days of your life (graduations, birthdays, etc) and he is so so so funny. even if he likes to fart on girls.

h. going on a date with my special boy tomorrow (see h1.). and i am so excited and just smile when i think about it. :-) our week has been so busy that we havent gotten to see each other and really spend quality time together. so tomorrow we get to have that special quality time and i am so excited and giddy when i think about it. i really do love him very much :-)

h1. i just want to say how wonderful he is. so i was feeling so tired when i got back today from tuscon and still had lots to do before small group...making a snack was one of the things on my list. and i hate this list item since i am not good at making yummy things. well my wonderful boyfriend called me today and said he had made a snack(see h1.a) for his group and made some extra for me to serve at mine!!!! seriously. very thoughtful and so nice to have one less thing to do today..

h1.a there were brownies with a layer vanilla cream frosting with peanut butter/chocolate/rice krispy treat mix as the top layer...yummy!!! i think i just might keep him to bake for me!!!

i. well i was just feeling like a lot has been going on in my head and just needed to reflect on some of it

miley is gone

so sadly my time as miley's owner was very short lived. she was seriously the best dog i could have asked for. so behaved and just so cuddly. i could go on forever about her and how much i loved her. i honestly did not think i would get so attached to her in the the short time i had her. but i really i did. i hated leaving her for the day while i worked and couldnt wait to see her when i got home. she was just so mellow and relaxed all the time. i loved her very much.

well almost 3 weeks ago was one of the worst days ever. i was going out of town for the weekend and received an awful phone call from my parents (who were dog sitting for me) telling me that miley got out of the house. i immediately thought "oh no she has run away and my parents are out frantically searching for her" i thought this with the hope that they would find her. what was reality was far more devastating. they said she got out and ran. and ran and ran. my sister chased her on foot and my parents both got into cars and tried to catch her. i know she was running in hopes of finding home. finding me. i really was the only one she would cuddle with and listen to. she literally followed me every where that i went. i had never left her before and i know she was scared.  anyways she m

ade is probably almost 10 blocks from my parents house to one of the more busy intersections. my parents called to tell me that as she ran across the street she was hit by a car and did not make it. i immediately began sobbing. i never thought this would happen or that i would feel all the emotions that i felt at the moment. it was terrible. no way to describe it. i was about 2 hours from vegas at the time and i cried almost the entire way there. i cried myself to sleep that night thinking about her being gone. i was super busy that weekend which helped keep my mind off of her. as we began the drive home and reached barstow i began to cry and continued until we got home. it was setting in that she was not going to be there when i got home. i wouldnt see her. she wouldnt jump in my lap and cuddle with me. it got worse the closer we got to home until i finally laid in my bed and just sobbed. grieving over the loss of my puppy whom i had grown to love so much. i honestly never thought i would be one of those dog people who loved their animal and basically considered it family.

but i am. and i miss her so much. i have her blanket that she liked to sleep on still on my bed and i refuse to wash it yet because it still smells like miley. and it was her blanket and so it 

helps not miss her so much. it has been 3 weeks but i still feel very sad and cry 

about it sometimes. i want another dog someday. but that day is far away. the pain is still too bad. and the thought of losing another pet is not something i can handle. 

so here is 

another picture of my cute little puppy

ya she was pretty awesome..she winked

thug life

"What up G?"

sweet

its been a long week in teacher world. yet it has flown by. 

having a sub in theory sounds like a great idea. i mean a day off??? who doesnt love that? key word. theory. it is actually so much more of an inconvenience. having to write good plans so things you WANT done will actually GET done. leaving your kids minds in the hands of complete strangers. you work so hard to get them to learn and try to learn and then one day off in the mix brings ya back to square one in the learning game. and no matter how much you train them how to behave with a sub (or in my case threaten) they just cant seem to get it right....all this to preface why my week has seemed so...ugh

i had a sub half day tuesday

half day wednesday

all of thursday (which is our minimum day)

and we went on a field trip today.(which was SOOOO fun...but very tiring)

so my class got a total of two days instruction with me this week. 

which makes it difficult to keep up with the pacing set by my school when the subs did not get a chance to teach or cover all of the things i needed done. so i must reteach and continue to teach what i need to in order to stay on track. enough with the ranting. 

bottom line its been a long week...

that ended wonderfully. the boyfriend was very sweet and came over with chinese take out for dinner. it was so nice to just stay at home. to stay in and have dinner and be able to just lounge and relax. much needed. and VERY appreciated. he is ok...i think i might keep him

a day

today was a day. work. i love my job. i love my students...even though i tell them i am going to have an aneurism by the time i turn 26 due to some of them...or the few of them that i say lay awake at night thinking of ways to drive me crazy.. i love each and every one of them. but today was just one of those days when nothing seemed to go right in the classroom. i didnt have the materials ready that i thought i had ready when i needed them. so i got to use my creative juices and come up with some engaging and educational activities. it all worked out and i think some learning happened today. which is all i ask some days. i have lots of duties outside of the classroom that i am responsible for. science camp is one of them. i have never been and am excited to be able to experience this opportunity with my students. along with being a chaperone...i am actually being the coordinator for my school. which is great... but there is SOOO much that goes into it. i found out later than i should have and have missed a few deadlines for the school board but i have great administrators that are working with me and the board to get all the approvals i need on time. my deadline for the final list of names for camp was due before christmas break but i got it moved to this friday. i just had my last meeting with the two classes that were off track today. and to just say it...it was HECTIC...ugh nothing went right from the copies i needed, to having a translator, to having the video that i needed to show. but in the end...i think it went ok.

its been difficult getting back into the groove of working. i really got used to havin some time off...but it will happen. hopefully. :-) 

today was a thoughtful day. meaning introspective. just some things that have happened really made me think about myself and things i think and i feel and continue to process through. but having all of that going on in my head did NOT help my rough day at work. so today was weird. rough. and thoughtful.

blah blah blah