bridges

The school counselor is teaching a set of lessons for the next two days in my class. She is talking about respecting differences, cooperation, and communication. The kids are doing an activity where they are building bridges out of toothpicks, raisins, and marshmallows. She keeps reminding them of how important it is for them to have a strong foundation or support system for their bridge.

I couldn’t help but take this and think about how in the relationships of our lives we must have a strong foundation and support system in order to survive. We need a good, core group of people that will be our foundation-our support system. These will be people who will hold us up when we aren’t strong enough, that will support us when we take risks, who will rejoice with us in the good times and mourn with us in the sad times.

As the kids were building, they realized that without a strong and stable foundation, their bridges would begin to fall over. Sure they might stand up on their own for a little bit, but the more time that passed and the more they added to their bridge, the quicker their bridge began to fall. We may be able to go on through life without a good support system for a little while, but as time goes on and as life begins to throw things at ya…we wont be able to stand up alone.

I consider myself a pretty strong individual. And independent. I don’t need help. I can probably figure it out on my own (and if not I just call my dad..haha). I can solve my own problems. I don’t like to cry in front of people because I feel it makes me look weak-like I cant handle life.

Most days.

Other days that’s not the case. Some days I know I cant do it alone (even though I try). My bridge begins to fall over. I usually try to remedy this problem before my entire bridge collapses. But sometimes I am just not that lucky. I need my support system.

I need my support system. I cant do it alone. I need them to live life alongside me. To pick me up when I fall. To hear me vent when life is just driving me crazy. To love on me when I feel like I have no more love to give. I need their affirmation. I need them to laugh with me. To play and be adventurous with me. To share in my small joys in life. To just sit and talk with me and make me feel important.

When I sit and think about my support system I realize that I am blessed by having so many friends. Really I have lots and lots of them. Some who have been friends forever and others I have just met- those who have been in my life for seasons and those who have weathered out some tough storms. I have been closer to some at certain times than others. But who are my core, foundation friends? The ones who I trust to be my support system? The ones who I feel I can honestly open up to?

These are tough questions.

I appear to be a very open person. I will share my life and struggles with people. But the honest truth is that the level of openness is not that deep. I have built a very strong wall that protects my deepest fears, struggles, and feelings. There are only a handful of people who I have allowed to come to that wall. And an even smaller number who have been let inside that wall. This means my foundation to my bridge is not that strong at times. I am learning to be more open and honest. To take time to examine my foundation and build it up so that it can be strong enough to support me. This means a lot of personal reflection and a lot of praying.

Lord, help me to realize the people you have placed in my life to be my support system. Allow me to build a stronger foundation of believers in my life that will help me grow closer to You. Teach me to trust- to open up and be honest with them. To be vulnerable and learn that its ok to lean on them for support-that’s why You gave them to me! J

thoughts...

"When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal." – unknown

healing is never any fun. Its usually painful, uncomfortable, annoying, and longer than we would like. But it is a necessary part of life. Without healing we would always be ill, injured, or hurting. This is true physically, emotionally, and spitiritually.

I have chosen to not bow my head in sadness during my time of hurting, but rather lift my eyes to heaven in search of healing.

I would be lying to say that it doesn’t hurt. That my heart doesn’t wish it was different. That I am afraid of the unknown of the future. That I miss the good times that were had.

I would be lying to say that I am not sad. That I don’t wonder what would need to be different to make it work.

I would be lying to say that I didn’t know this is what I needed-though it was not what I wanted.

Despite the hard and difficult time that is my life, I am doing good. Why? Because I know God is good and is in control and He works all things out for His purpose. I may not and often just do not understand His purpose…but that is why I trust Him to be in control. I have faith in Him and I know that I am His beloved creation and He loves me and cherishes me and is protecting me.

My heart is ok. I wont say it is great. But I cant say it is terrible. It is ok. Each day is another day and I just choose to look to heaven for healing.

I am thankful. Beyond thankful. In this difficult time and a time that typically tends to be very unpleasant and awkward, I have been blessed to have been able to keep my best friend. Yes things have changed and the roles that each of us play in each others lives has changed, but I still have a relationship with one of my closest friends.

It isn’t awkward. Its normal. Its healthy. We talk-and actually communicate. Sometimes it feels like we are better friends than before.

I don’t expect people to understand this idea of going back to being such good friends. And honestly many don’t and question the whole thing. But I know my heart. And my heart is good. I would be devastated if I had to lose him completely. 3 years is a long time…

…and yes my heart still cares deeply. Which makes walking away so much harder. My mind has had to keep my heart in check and it has not been an easy road but it has been a good road. I know the journey is just beginning and that God has incredible things in store for both of us. I have no idea what those things are. That’s the unknown. But I choose to trust Him and follow wherever He may lead me.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

Helen Keller