hhhmmm.......

i am in one of those ruts i guess in life. feeling down for no real reason. when asked how i am i answer with "eh". which is saying fine. not good not bad just "eh". i just feel distant and unattached. it came out of nowhere and its not as if things have happened that have made me feel so meloncholy about life. i cant figure it out....and i think that bothers me most....

for the first time (probably ever) i have the desire to be an introvert. anyone who knows me knows how i am completely opposite of that. an extrovert to the extreme. a social butterfly some may say. i enjoy being social and being around people. i find comfort in it. but as of late the introvert tendencies have become quite strong. i find this shift intriguing and am curious as to what will become of it...

my mind has been on overload lately just consumed with so many thoughts. i think that contributes to wanting to be an introvert. i want to process through it all. (as i write this i am remembering why i kept a journal...and thinking i may very well start again) i am not too good with expressing my feelings out loud. but feellike i can express myself so well with written words.

i have been going to hdc (high desert church) for the last several weeks while they were going through a sermon serious called holy sex (holla---j/k) it was really good. over the five weeks he talked about marriage, singleness, mascalinity, femininity, and brokeness. this last week was brokeness and i heard some lyrics to a worship song this last week that have stuck with me. i dont know the name of the song, who sings it, or all of the words...but this is what stuck out to me
I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You
You aone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am
My soul will bless Your name.
Til I see You face to face
And grace amazing calls me home

i pray that this will be my prayer. and that the desire of my heart will be to live in such a way to love Him, praise Him, be awestruck by Him. with EVERYTHING that I am.