hhhmmm.......

i am in one of those ruts i guess in life. feeling down for no real reason. when asked how i am i answer with "eh". which is saying fine. not good not bad just "eh". i just feel distant and unattached. it came out of nowhere and its not as if things have happened that have made me feel so meloncholy about life. i cant figure it out....and i think that bothers me most....

for the first time (probably ever) i have the desire to be an introvert. anyone who knows me knows how i am completely opposite of that. an extrovert to the extreme. a social butterfly some may say. i enjoy being social and being around people. i find comfort in it. but as of late the introvert tendencies have become quite strong. i find this shift intriguing and am curious as to what will become of it...

my mind has been on overload lately just consumed with so many thoughts. i think that contributes to wanting to be an introvert. i want to process through it all. (as i write this i am remembering why i kept a journal...and thinking i may very well start again) i am not too good with expressing my feelings out loud. but feellike i can express myself so well with written words.

i have been going to hdc (high desert church) for the last several weeks while they were going through a sermon serious called holy sex (holla---j/k) it was really good. over the five weeks he talked about marriage, singleness, mascalinity, femininity, and brokeness. this last week was brokeness and i heard some lyrics to a worship song this last week that have stuck with me. i dont know the name of the song, who sings it, or all of the words...but this is what stuck out to me
I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You
You aone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am
My soul will bless Your name.
Til I see You face to face
And grace amazing calls me home

i pray that this will be my prayer. and that the desire of my heart will be to live in such a way to love Him, praise Him, be awestruck by Him. with EVERYTHING that I am.

being an auntie...

...might be my favorite thing ever. it is such a fun and blessed season of life. i didn't know i could love little ones as much as i love my nieces and nephew. it is so fun to be able to love on and spoil them just because i can. i get to see some of them fairly often but it never seems often enough. i find it amazing how much they grow in the few days or a week or so that i don't see them. i am blessed to be an auntie to four precious little ones. 

this is madison. she is my sister ashley's first baby. she is five months old now. i don't get 

to see her very often which makes me really sad. she looks just like my sister did when she was this age. (at least thats what i can tell from pictures...hahaha) madison is the first grandchild for my parents. which has been such a blessing for them. she is such a calm and happy baby. i miss being able to spend days with her. hopefully it will all change.

    then theres ty. he is jer and erin's oldest (josh's brother and sister in law) he is 3. and the cutest little boy ever. so full of life and energy. it has been such an incredible blessing to watch as he has grown the last few years. his vocabulary gets bigger each and every time i see 

him. he always has new words to tell me. i love seeing the world through his eyes. he notices things and

 appreciates things i would often overlook. his laughter is contagious.

      he calls me nina. it was his attempt at auntie naya. i cant say how much joy it brings my soul hear him say "nina!" i love him so much. and wish he lived next door so i could see him every day. one of my favorite things is when he spends the night on the weekends. there is nothing like having his sleepy head come out of the bedroom and say "good morning nina" as he snuggles up to give me a big squeeze. i also like spoiling

 him :-) he may or may not get everything he wants at nina's house.

and then there is keirra and kaydin. they are 17 months old.  keirra is the one on the tray making the funny face. she is so known for her facial expressions. it amazes me how she has such a personality at this age. she is the ham of the two and is always ready to cheese it up for the camera. kaydin is the sitting on the floor lookin all cute for the camera. definitely ready to pose for the picture. 

these two girls are such a blessing and so much fun to spend time with. they are at that age where they walk and are beginning to talk. (they almost can say nina) my favorite thing that they do is say "eyes", "nose", and "mouth" as they point to their facial features (or anyones for that matter) they say so many other things too. uh-oh, mommy, daddy, josh, thank you, and almost nina are a few...

  i do hope to one day have children of my own but thats a whole other season of life...right now i love being an aunt. it is a blessing like i couldnt have imagined. i love each of them more than i could express and pray for each of them daily. 

the beginning

So it is the middle of my first week of school. Which means I have made it halfway through. It has been rough. I feel so scatterbrained and often inadequate. This may be due to the newness of the beginning of school. I officially became a contracted teacher in January which meant I took over a class that was already in the groove. I didn't have to start one myself. The lesson plans were already done . The procedures and expectations were already in place and made clear. So the beginning of the school year had made me quite nervous. (and anyone who knows me knows how well I can function when I get nervous) I have a fairly large fear of failure. To the point where I won't attempt things or take risks because I fear that I might fail at it. I want to be good at what I do and if I feel that I won't succeed I often won't do it. I know this is not very healthy. Nevertheless, it is the way I work. 

This is how I have approached the school year. Which makes me f

eel like I am drowning. I know realistically that everything will work out. I know that I am an adequate teacher and that I did a good job with my class last year. But my fear can get the best of me. I know my first year will be fille

d with trials and errors. I will make mistakes and I will be successful. I just am afraid of failing. 

My class (so far...3 days in) seems to be fairly mellow. I have a good mix of students academically and socially. Getting to know 25 new kids is fun. It's exciting to learn personalities and also anticipate watching them grow through their journey of the 5th grade. And I am not gonna lie that having an audience of 25 people that HAVE to 

listen to me all day is kinda nice.

:-)

Here is a picture of 

my classroom during the preparation stage last week. It currently looks like a 

tornado has h

it due to the paperwork/new curriculum/25 people who now call it home. 

what a pig

so as a prize josh bought megan and i a piggy bank to help us learn to save our money. we fell in love with the pig. we have named the pig (with a little help from hailee) pajama pancake pig. it is like a pet for us. well long story short josh and i made a bet. the rules were simple. the pig would have to be in the same room as me at all times for 48 hours. whoever lost would have to take the winner out to their favorite restaurant for dinner. (i eagerly took this bet for the following reasons: 1. i am very competitive 2. i want to beat josh at things 3. i recently lost a bet and had to take him to dinner) here are some of the things that pajama and i did...

we went to the dentist, watched some tv until megan got home, pajama went to the beach for the first time and touched the water, watched the sunset, and played lifeguard. we also went to claim jumper and she wanted to ride conways bike (but she didnt have a helmet)