my feeling of failure today

I feel like I am in a losing battle in my classroom. Specifically with one student. I don’t know what to do with him anymore. I end up yelling and being negative with him 9 times out of 10. I just get so worked up and so frustrated that nothing I try works with him. I know I need to be loving and supportive but I just cant seem to do that. I know he needs love and support since he probably doesn’t get that at home. I feel like I fail because I am not giving him what he needs. Today was another day where I lost control and ended up yelling at him. I mentioned it to another teacher in the staffroom and shortly after returning to class, she called him to her office. I know it wasnt her intention, but i still feel like someone else has stepped in and handled my business because I cant. This also screams failure at me. I know she is probably just trying to help. But I just feel like since I am not doing a good job of getting through to him and someone else needs to come in and do it, that I am a failure. This struggle and these ideas are so overwhelming to me. I cant seem to focus on teaching now. Ugh

football

i come from a pretty sports oriented family. i grew up playing soccer and one awful year i had to play softball. my dad was a high school basketball coach. i attended sporting events for my cousins, my brother, my uncles...so i knew quite a bit about sports. basketball and baseball are prob the two most watched and followed sports in our family.

funny story..my grandparents dont have cable but you can guarantee that come basketball season and laker time they will be out to eat in a restaurant...in the bar area of course so they can watch the game...

anyways i have never much cared for football. my brother played but i wasnt interested really. my sister was a cheerleader but i went to the games just to watch her cheer....

well all of that changed this year...at work, they have a fantasy football league. i have never been interested to play but this year my friend trish convinced me to join. and i am so competitive i thought it would be fun.

also my new friends are HUGE football fans...so i have been introduced into all things football..like they are crazy. :-)

i have actually attended my first college football and nfl game in the last three weeks.

i look forward to sundays/monday night football.

i have learned how the game works. i have learned about the players.

i stress about how well my players do so i can beat my opponent in fantasy football.

so i (have a newfound) love football

beginning

I love blogging. Not just writing them, but also reading them…or as I like to call it “blog-stalking” haha I wish I blogged more. I am thinking about making it a goal to blog 5 days a week... but I am not sure I am ready to commit to that…

But I think I will make myself do it.

The new school year has begun for me. This is always a stressful and kind of chaotic time for me. If I don’t establish my classroom to run the way I want it to run in the first few days…it is near impossible to get it the way I want it. Well day one came and went. I had a cute first day of school outfit (this might be the only thing I like about the first day of school). I have 25 students in my class…majority being boys. Most of them seem like good kids. I have a few that have the potential to be a handful..but nothing I cant handle J

Day two came….and was rougher than I would have liked. The day was going as I woyld have wanted it until one of my potentially challenging students (we are going to call him J) had a bit of an episode. I had asked him to stop makin noise (which I learned later…that he believed I had falsely accused him of making noice). Well after my telling him to stop a few times, his whole demeanor changes and he yells. “f@*! You!”

I have NEVER in my life been told that. Let alone by a 10 year old.

I would love to say that I handle the situation with poise, maturity, and control.

I didn’t. I freaked out. I yelled. I kicked him out of my classroom.

Once I had him in my “office” (which is what we call the ramp outside my portable) I proceeded to “talk loudly at him” (or yell) and he immediately shut down on me. I realized part way through this, that things weren’t going as I had planned. Typically I can talk to a kid out here and get the situation handled. But since he shut down…nothing was happening. So ultimately I made sure he understand how disrespectable and inappropriate his behavior was. I made sure he knew that I would not allow such behavior. I explained his consequence of referral and detention with me. He understood, came back inside and just sat there until recess.

Once I talked to him one-on-one I got a better understanding of him. (he comes from one of the roughest home-life situations..ugh…breaks my heart) I learned he does not respond to me getting in his face. He responds to one-on-one, CALM discussion. He is a bright kid so this dialogue approach works well. He eventually apologized for his behavior and we had a great rest of the day.

I know it has been only 3 days, but I feel like J is going to be one of my favorite students ever. I am excited to see all the opportunities I have to help him grow over the year.

one of those days

have you ever had one of those days where it is nothing but awful from start to finish?

today was my day.

late to work

forgot i had to do sub plans

both copy machines were broken

had to meet with vp

layoff hearing from 9-6

had to "testify" at hearing

broke a nail

came home to order two dresses from a website to help out

due to complications and errors...i was charged SEVEN times

which that 800 dollars has overdrawn my account

nothing they can do for 4 days

issues with family and friends

drama

hurt

when it rains it pours

but thanks to a good friend...encouragement was shared. reminded of the hope i have in HIM

my prayer...take my life and let it be everything for YOUR glory because when everything falls apart YOUR arms hold me together

glory to God

in all things may i bring glory to GOD

beginning to feel content

I think I am coming into a new place in life. I have struggled with being overwhelmed and stretched too thin for a long time. It has been a painfully hard process to learn to take care of me and to say no when feeling too overwhelmed. I am learning to build boundaries- in all types of relationships in my life. This is a continual growth process. And can I just say growing is hard!!!!

I have taken a step back and had to examine my life. The things I do and say and feel. Its been a rough road and I have had to make some tough decisions. I have had to draw boundary lines in order to protect me. I know I may not have handled this in the best way and may have been harsh and drastic at times, but I was drowning and had to fix it quick.

I feel alone and misunderstood in this process. Mostly because I don’t share life too well. I don’t want people to think I cant handle life. And some of it is because I have been hurt in the process of sharing life. In this learning process, I am trying to trust more and open up to people. But I find that few people actually get me.

I have been so blessed by a handful of friends who have known me for years and truly get the inner workings of me and my brain. I have been blessed with a handful of new friends who also do the same.

I finally feel at a good place in life. I am learning to be me and to embrace the Child of God that I am. I know this process has been hard and painful and is nowhere near over, but it has been so good!

I have an amazing family that loves and supports me no matter what. From my parents to my grandparents; to my siblings; and to aunts, uncles, and cousins. I know I can always count on them for love and laughter and encouragement.

I have an amazing group of friends who truly get me and understand me…even when I don’t. they have been there through all the ups and downs…

I have my newer friends who have let me just be me and grow through this rough time.

I have a Father who loves me.

I have all I need.

my days adventure

i checked out the scene of the movie theater at 11:15 am. no one was in line. this made me happy. i asked and was told that lines wouldnt start forming til school got out but i would want to be in line earlier rather than later to ensure that i had a good spot. i went to the mall for about 30 mins and returned to find the lines still empty....

which meant....

I WAS THE FIRST ONE! (anyone who knows how competitive i am knows that being the first one in line meant that i won the imaginary competition that i had created about being the first person in line)

so my waiting in line began around noon today. (we were seeing the twilight showing at 9:00 followed by new moon at 12:01) and for almost 3 hours i waited with no one else in line.... a few moms began to show up around three...and i just smiled knowing i was first-though i did get a few weird looks and lots of questions...my favorite was when people wanted to know if i lost the bet and had to be the one to wait in tine..

drea showed up a little after 4 and we were able to get her wedding invitations stuffed while we waited...the rest of the girls began arriving in our team jacob and team edward shirts we had made...

they let us in the theater around 8 and i will tell you that i found great satisfaction in being the "line leader" into the theater and being the first person in the theater...which meant we got to pick the best seats in the house...

by the time we left the theater i had been there for 15 hours. my body hurt from sitting on concrete for most of them. i was tired and in need of sleep. BUT IT WAS SOOOO WORTH IT

there arent even words to describe it...but it was AMAZING and i cant wait to see it again!!!

random thoughts from my heart

so my small group is reading a book called "having a mary spirit: allowing God to change us from the the inside out" by joanna weaver. and man has there been so many good things i have realized and have begun to learn in reading this book.

this week the chapter was titled "fault lines". the author defines fault lines as core issues that fuel our desires and shape our actions-these are the cracks in our character. They are an inevitable consequence of living as a fallen human being with other fallen human beings on a fallen earth. as a redaer we were asked yo examine our fault lines...the areas in our lives where we are weak and where Satan can add pressure in order to make us fall into destruction. these are the vulnerable spots in our souls.

in reading this chapter, i realized MANY of my fault lines. but there was one that really stuck out the the author talked about. *sidebar: this author does such a good job of putting exactly how i feel into words-something i lack and something i love about books-being able to capture how i feel and put it into words*

i am a chronic chameleon, i spend my life and my efforts constantly changing colors and outfits to fit whatever situation i find myself in. its a game of approval. its exhausting.

shame and regret from the past tell me i will never be different and that i am incapable of changing. fear of making mistakes keeps me from trying anything at all.

this is a huge fault line in my life. and one that i often dont show. but as i begin to be honest with myself and ask God to expose my fault lines...this one begins to show...

but i am learning (with the help of this book) that I have a mighty God who is able to redeem me at my darkest moments and in my deepest fears. a loving Father who promises to keep watch at our points of vulnerability, to strengthen us when we're weak, to correct the lies that have led us astray and to heal the rifts in our souls.

BUT only if we give Him access.

Lord, help me to be aware of my fault lines and also to run to You to in my weakness. You are my Rock and my foundation. only You can make my paths straight. i desire to put my hope in You knowing that You are able to do more than i ask or imagine. I choose to put my trust in You-trusting that though my world around me shakes and trembles You are my firm foundation.

Jeremiah 24:6-7

⁶ My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. ⁷ I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart