costa rica

Many of you know that I taken part in a mission trip to Costa Rica...well I've actually been on the trip three times!! My church sends a team every December and I have been so blessed to be able to GO and serve on this trip three different times. Each of these trips have been incredible and life changing!!!

One of my best friends, Conway, is currently serving in Costa Rica for the entire summer. He has led the team from my church and spent a few weeks there last summer. This summer he was fortunate enough to spend 3 months serving alongside the Christian Light Foundation with our missionary friends down in Costa Rica.

Conway has developed such a heart and passion for the people in Costa Rica. He has worked countless hours of manual labor for the church we work with. He has developed close friendship with many of the kids there and actually spends many, many, many hours writing letters to his pen pals throughout the year.

I am so proud of him for committing to spending an entire summer sharing the love of Christ....you definitely should check out his blog and see what God is doing in Costa Rica..and to see pictures of all of the things he is going to be able to be a part of this summer!!

www.conwayrobinson.blogspot.com

communication=a learning process

Sometimes things you never expected come your way. You’re faced with situations and scenarios that you never thought you would have to deal with. These things can be both positive and negative. These situations and scenarios will cause you to grow in ways you probably never imagined you would. This growth isn’t always fun or easy but its good. It’s hard and uncomfortable. And who really likes to do things that are hard or uncomfortable?

The last few months I have found myself in this growing process. It has required me to be a good communicator. I am not one. I am learning how to communicate in a healthy way. These newfound communicating skills are being used in all of my relationships in life. Since I have decided that this is “the year” I have chosen to be intentional about becoming a better communicator. I haven’t always been successful and am still learning how to communicate. I still experience failure in how to communicate my thoughts and feelings. I have to fight through the failure and keep pushing. I have to acknowledge my growth and the times I communicate well.

28

well this is a month or so late but the big 2-8 has happened. I kinda freak out when I think about 28 because 28 is pretty close to 30. I don’t know why 30 freaks me out but it does.

In order to not freak about 28 I have decided that 28 is “the year” I am embracing all that this year can be. In order to make it “the year” here are a few of the things i have decided to do this year:

-be honest. Sometimes brutally honest. But mostly honest in love

-take time to journal, blog, read for fun

-be more intentional about my relationships

-become a good communicator: learn what it means to communicate healthily

-love me. Do things for me.

-get in shape and healthy. I want to start running and teach myself to enjoy it haha

-have less of a passive, people-pleaser attitude

-speak my mind

-be a more effective and creative teacher

now of course there are many more things I want to do this year…these are just a few…but basically this year is “my year” and I just want to embrace it.

i whip my hair back and forth

i dont even know where to begin....

let me just start with the excitement that is the holiday season...the cousins are here (well almost all of them) and the fun has begun. tonight is the first cousin night...elf and christmas cookies :-)

well this blog is going to be dedicated one of my cousins...well not necessarily him...but his HAIR.

DREW WALKED INTO OUR APARTMENT WITH A PONYTAIL.

yes you read that right...a ponytail. like he has more hair than i do and can actually pull it back into a ponytail.

and not just a ponytail but bangs that he can tuck behind his ear.

i was baking cookies in the kitchen and came into the living room to see drew whipping his hair back and forth. it was at that point i decided i would write a blog devoted to his ponytail...with a little poem:

He Whips His Hair Back and Forth Now

i have a cousin who is a friend true and true

he goes to college in virginia and his name is drew

drew is funny and nice as can be

he loves to go on the houseboat and drink grandpas tea

he has bad luck when it comes to cars and parking violations

he loves to longboard and would probably board across this whole nation

he once road his longboard for like 9 days straight

he is pretty awesome so dont hate

he came home for the holidays

and he looks different in may ways

he has a new addition to his style

some may not like it but he rocks it all the while

he has a tail of a pony

it is real...not phony

he wears his hair pulled back with a rubber band

to pull that off you have to be a real man

he has bangs that he tucks to the side

he rocks his hairstyle with pride

i wish he would use shampoo

and that is my cousin drew

my feeling of failure today

I feel like I am in a losing battle in my classroom. Specifically with one student. I don’t know what to do with him anymore. I end up yelling and being negative with him 9 times out of 10. I just get so worked up and so frustrated that nothing I try works with him. I know I need to be loving and supportive but I just cant seem to do that. I know he needs love and support since he probably doesn’t get that at home. I feel like I fail because I am not giving him what he needs. Today was another day where I lost control and ended up yelling at him. I mentioned it to another teacher in the staffroom and shortly after returning to class, she called him to her office. I know it wasnt her intention, but i still feel like someone else has stepped in and handled my business because I cant. This also screams failure at me. I know she is probably just trying to help. But I just feel like since I am not doing a good job of getting through to him and someone else needs to come in and do it, that I am a failure. This struggle and these ideas are so overwhelming to me. I cant seem to focus on teaching now. Ugh

football

i come from a pretty sports oriented family. i grew up playing soccer and one awful year i had to play softball. my dad was a high school basketball coach. i attended sporting events for my cousins, my brother, my uncles...so i knew quite a bit about sports. basketball and baseball are prob the two most watched and followed sports in our family.

funny story..my grandparents dont have cable but you can guarantee that come basketball season and laker time they will be out to eat in a restaurant...in the bar area of course so they can watch the game...

anyways i have never much cared for football. my brother played but i wasnt interested really. my sister was a cheerleader but i went to the games just to watch her cheer....

well all of that changed this year...at work, they have a fantasy football league. i have never been interested to play but this year my friend trish convinced me to join. and i am so competitive i thought it would be fun.

also my new friends are HUGE football fans...so i have been introduced into all things football..like they are crazy. :-)

i have actually attended my first college football and nfl game in the last three weeks.

i look forward to sundays/monday night football.

i have learned how the game works. i have learned about the players.

i stress about how well my players do so i can beat my opponent in fantasy football.

so i (have a newfound) love football

beginning

I love blogging. Not just writing them, but also reading them…or as I like to call it “blog-stalking” haha I wish I blogged more. I am thinking about making it a goal to blog 5 days a week... but I am not sure I am ready to commit to that…

But I think I will make myself do it.

The new school year has begun for me. This is always a stressful and kind of chaotic time for me. If I don’t establish my classroom to run the way I want it to run in the first few days…it is near impossible to get it the way I want it. Well day one came and went. I had a cute first day of school outfit (this might be the only thing I like about the first day of school). I have 25 students in my class…majority being boys. Most of them seem like good kids. I have a few that have the potential to be a handful..but nothing I cant handle J

Day two came….and was rougher than I would have liked. The day was going as I woyld have wanted it until one of my potentially challenging students (we are going to call him J) had a bit of an episode. I had asked him to stop makin noise (which I learned later…that he believed I had falsely accused him of making noice). Well after my telling him to stop a few times, his whole demeanor changes and he yells. “f@*! You!”

I have NEVER in my life been told that. Let alone by a 10 year old.

I would love to say that I handle the situation with poise, maturity, and control.

I didn’t. I freaked out. I yelled. I kicked him out of my classroom.

Once I had him in my “office” (which is what we call the ramp outside my portable) I proceeded to “talk loudly at him” (or yell) and he immediately shut down on me. I realized part way through this, that things weren’t going as I had planned. Typically I can talk to a kid out here and get the situation handled. But since he shut down…nothing was happening. So ultimately I made sure he understand how disrespectable and inappropriate his behavior was. I made sure he knew that I would not allow such behavior. I explained his consequence of referral and detention with me. He understood, came back inside and just sat there until recess.

Once I talked to him one-on-one I got a better understanding of him. (he comes from one of the roughest home-life situations..ugh…breaks my heart) I learned he does not respond to me getting in his face. He responds to one-on-one, CALM discussion. He is a bright kid so this dialogue approach works well. He eventually apologized for his behavior and we had a great rest of the day.

I know it has been only 3 days, but I feel like J is going to be one of my favorite students ever. I am excited to see all the opportunities I have to help him grow over the year.

one of those days

have you ever had one of those days where it is nothing but awful from start to finish?

today was my day.

late to work

forgot i had to do sub plans

both copy machines were broken

had to meet with vp

layoff hearing from 9-6

had to "testify" at hearing

broke a nail

came home to order two dresses from a website to help out

due to complications and errors...i was charged SEVEN times

which that 800 dollars has overdrawn my account

nothing they can do for 4 days

issues with family and friends

drama

hurt

when it rains it pours

but thanks to a good friend...encouragement was shared. reminded of the hope i have in HIM

my prayer...take my life and let it be everything for YOUR glory because when everything falls apart YOUR arms hold me together

glory to God

in all things may i bring glory to GOD

beginning to feel content

I think I am coming into a new place in life. I have struggled with being overwhelmed and stretched too thin for a long time. It has been a painfully hard process to learn to take care of me and to say no when feeling too overwhelmed. I am learning to build boundaries- in all types of relationships in my life. This is a continual growth process. And can I just say growing is hard!!!!

I have taken a step back and had to examine my life. The things I do and say and feel. Its been a rough road and I have had to make some tough decisions. I have had to draw boundary lines in order to protect me. I know I may not have handled this in the best way and may have been harsh and drastic at times, but I was drowning and had to fix it quick.

I feel alone and misunderstood in this process. Mostly because I don’t share life too well. I don’t want people to think I cant handle life. And some of it is because I have been hurt in the process of sharing life. In this learning process, I am trying to trust more and open up to people. But I find that few people actually get me.

I have been so blessed by a handful of friends who have known me for years and truly get the inner workings of me and my brain. I have been blessed with a handful of new friends who also do the same.

I finally feel at a good place in life. I am learning to be me and to embrace the Child of God that I am. I know this process has been hard and painful and is nowhere near over, but it has been so good!

I have an amazing family that loves and supports me no matter what. From my parents to my grandparents; to my siblings; and to aunts, uncles, and cousins. I know I can always count on them for love and laughter and encouragement.

I have an amazing group of friends who truly get me and understand me…even when I don’t. they have been there through all the ups and downs…

I have my newer friends who have let me just be me and grow through this rough time.

I have a Father who loves me.

I have all I need.

my days adventure

i checked out the scene of the movie theater at 11:15 am. no one was in line. this made me happy. i asked and was told that lines wouldnt start forming til school got out but i would want to be in line earlier rather than later to ensure that i had a good spot. i went to the mall for about 30 mins and returned to find the lines still empty....

which meant....

I WAS THE FIRST ONE! (anyone who knows how competitive i am knows that being the first one in line meant that i won the imaginary competition that i had created about being the first person in line)

so my waiting in line began around noon today. (we were seeing the twilight showing at 9:00 followed by new moon at 12:01) and for almost 3 hours i waited with no one else in line.... a few moms began to show up around three...and i just smiled knowing i was first-though i did get a few weird looks and lots of questions...my favorite was when people wanted to know if i lost the bet and had to be the one to wait in tine..

drea showed up a little after 4 and we were able to get her wedding invitations stuffed while we waited...the rest of the girls began arriving in our team jacob and team edward shirts we had made...

they let us in the theater around 8 and i will tell you that i found great satisfaction in being the "line leader" into the theater and being the first person in the theater...which meant we got to pick the best seats in the house...

by the time we left the theater i had been there for 15 hours. my body hurt from sitting on concrete for most of them. i was tired and in need of sleep. BUT IT WAS SOOOO WORTH IT

there arent even words to describe it...but it was AMAZING and i cant wait to see it again!!!

random thoughts from my heart

so my small group is reading a book called "having a mary spirit: allowing God to change us from the the inside out" by joanna weaver. and man has there been so many good things i have realized and have begun to learn in reading this book.

this week the chapter was titled "fault lines". the author defines fault lines as core issues that fuel our desires and shape our actions-these are the cracks in our character. They are an inevitable consequence of living as a fallen human being with other fallen human beings on a fallen earth. as a redaer we were asked yo examine our fault lines...the areas in our lives where we are weak and where Satan can add pressure in order to make us fall into destruction. these are the vulnerable spots in our souls.

in reading this chapter, i realized MANY of my fault lines. but there was one that really stuck out the the author talked about. *sidebar: this author does such a good job of putting exactly how i feel into words-something i lack and something i love about books-being able to capture how i feel and put it into words*

i am a chronic chameleon, i spend my life and my efforts constantly changing colors and outfits to fit whatever situation i find myself in. its a game of approval. its exhausting.

shame and regret from the past tell me i will never be different and that i am incapable of changing. fear of making mistakes keeps me from trying anything at all.

this is a huge fault line in my life. and one that i often dont show. but as i begin to be honest with myself and ask God to expose my fault lines...this one begins to show...

but i am learning (with the help of this book) that I have a mighty God who is able to redeem me at my darkest moments and in my deepest fears. a loving Father who promises to keep watch at our points of vulnerability, to strengthen us when we're weak, to correct the lies that have led us astray and to heal the rifts in our souls.

BUT only if we give Him access.

Lord, help me to be aware of my fault lines and also to run to You to in my weakness. You are my Rock and my foundation. only You can make my paths straight. i desire to put my hope in You knowing that You are able to do more than i ask or imagine. I choose to put my trust in You-trusting that though my world around me shakes and trembles You are my firm foundation.

Jeremiah 24:6-7

⁶ My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. ⁷ I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart

bridges

The school counselor is teaching a set of lessons for the next two days in my class. She is talking about respecting differences, cooperation, and communication. The kids are doing an activity where they are building bridges out of toothpicks, raisins, and marshmallows. She keeps reminding them of how important it is for them to have a strong foundation or support system for their bridge.

I couldn’t help but take this and think about how in the relationships of our lives we must have a strong foundation and support system in order to survive. We need a good, core group of people that will be our foundation-our support system. These will be people who will hold us up when we aren’t strong enough, that will support us when we take risks, who will rejoice with us in the good times and mourn with us in the sad times.

As the kids were building, they realized that without a strong and stable foundation, their bridges would begin to fall over. Sure they might stand up on their own for a little bit, but the more time that passed and the more they added to their bridge, the quicker their bridge began to fall. We may be able to go on through life without a good support system for a little while, but as time goes on and as life begins to throw things at ya…we wont be able to stand up alone.

I consider myself a pretty strong individual. And independent. I don’t need help. I can probably figure it out on my own (and if not I just call my dad..haha). I can solve my own problems. I don’t like to cry in front of people because I feel it makes me look weak-like I cant handle life.

Most days.

Other days that’s not the case. Some days I know I cant do it alone (even though I try). My bridge begins to fall over. I usually try to remedy this problem before my entire bridge collapses. But sometimes I am just not that lucky. I need my support system.

I need my support system. I cant do it alone. I need them to live life alongside me. To pick me up when I fall. To hear me vent when life is just driving me crazy. To love on me when I feel like I have no more love to give. I need their affirmation. I need them to laugh with me. To play and be adventurous with me. To share in my small joys in life. To just sit and talk with me and make me feel important.

When I sit and think about my support system I realize that I am blessed by having so many friends. Really I have lots and lots of them. Some who have been friends forever and others I have just met- those who have been in my life for seasons and those who have weathered out some tough storms. I have been closer to some at certain times than others. But who are my core, foundation friends? The ones who I trust to be my support system? The ones who I feel I can honestly open up to?

These are tough questions.

I appear to be a very open person. I will share my life and struggles with people. But the honest truth is that the level of openness is not that deep. I have built a very strong wall that protects my deepest fears, struggles, and feelings. There are only a handful of people who I have allowed to come to that wall. And an even smaller number who have been let inside that wall. This means my foundation to my bridge is not that strong at times. I am learning to be more open and honest. To take time to examine my foundation and build it up so that it can be strong enough to support me. This means a lot of personal reflection and a lot of praying.

Lord, help me to realize the people you have placed in my life to be my support system. Allow me to build a stronger foundation of believers in my life that will help me grow closer to You. Teach me to trust- to open up and be honest with them. To be vulnerable and learn that its ok to lean on them for support-that’s why You gave them to me! J

thoughts...

"When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal." – unknown

healing is never any fun. Its usually painful, uncomfortable, annoying, and longer than we would like. But it is a necessary part of life. Without healing we would always be ill, injured, or hurting. This is true physically, emotionally, and spitiritually.

I have chosen to not bow my head in sadness during my time of hurting, but rather lift my eyes to heaven in search of healing.

I would be lying to say that it doesn’t hurt. That my heart doesn’t wish it was different. That I am afraid of the unknown of the future. That I miss the good times that were had.

I would be lying to say that I am not sad. That I don’t wonder what would need to be different to make it work.

I would be lying to say that I didn’t know this is what I needed-though it was not what I wanted.

Despite the hard and difficult time that is my life, I am doing good. Why? Because I know God is good and is in control and He works all things out for His purpose. I may not and often just do not understand His purpose…but that is why I trust Him to be in control. I have faith in Him and I know that I am His beloved creation and He loves me and cherishes me and is protecting me.

My heart is ok. I wont say it is great. But I cant say it is terrible. It is ok. Each day is another day and I just choose to look to heaven for healing.

I am thankful. Beyond thankful. In this difficult time and a time that typically tends to be very unpleasant and awkward, I have been blessed to have been able to keep my best friend. Yes things have changed and the roles that each of us play in each others lives has changed, but I still have a relationship with one of my closest friends.

It isn’t awkward. Its normal. Its healthy. We talk-and actually communicate. Sometimes it feels like we are better friends than before.

I don’t expect people to understand this idea of going back to being such good friends. And honestly many don’t and question the whole thing. But I know my heart. And my heart is good. I would be devastated if I had to lose him completely. 3 years is a long time…

…and yes my heart still cares deeply. Which makes walking away so much harder. My mind has had to keep my heart in check and it has not been an easy road but it has been a good road. I know the journey is just beginning and that God has incredible things in store for both of us. I have no idea what those things are. That’s the unknown. But I choose to trust Him and follow wherever He may lead me.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

Helen Keller

its been a long time

i realized tonight it has been a long time since i have blogged...and the last few were pretty emotional yet vague. yet they definitely capture the mood of that phase of life. since the last blog life has changed. in ways that i wanted and in ways that i did not.

i was able to enjoy my always too short summer vacation. i enjoyed time with my friends on a mini vacation. i was able to go on our annual family vacation. i was able to sleep in. to read for fun. it was nice. but off course passed to quickly. i am so thankful for my job and the teaching year round thing...i really enjoy the work 3 months and get 1 off situation....

but off course that month of fun had to come to an end and i went back to work. started the brand new school year with 23 students (am currently up to 25 as of now). i have a pretty mellow class (thank goodness) and have definitely been fortunate to not have any real troublemakers in any of my classes since i started teaching. i am excited to be able to love on these kids over the course of the school year and not only teach them all they need to know...but also show the love of Jesus to them daily.

along with a new school year with new kids and changes in the way we do things at school came more changes in my life...

i am embarking on a new journey in life as a single girl. it was one of the hardest decisions of my life to make. it has been over a month now and in all honesty i still struggle with this decision. i know this is natural. when you live life alongside someone for 3 years its very difficult to understand that God knows what is best. and what is best is not always easy or what we want. i didnt stop loving him that day. i care for him so deeply. yet i know i had to do what i did. for me. i am BEYOND blessed to have had him as a part of my life as a boyfriend during the time that i did. he was my best friend. which makes it so difficult. i am so thankful that we are able to be friends. like true friends. that can talk and hang out and not be weird. our lives are so involved with church and family and friends that if we werent able to be friends it would be miserable. God is working in my heart and in my life during this time. and i pray that He is doing the same for him. when asked how i am doing...i say good. because honestly i am doing well. processing and working through so many things in my life that have come up and that i have realized. its not easy but its good. i am doing good. that doesnt mean that i dont have the hard days. the sad days. the days where i wish things were different. i know God is good. and that HE is in control. and HIS will is what will be accomplished. He is healing my heart and filling me with His joy...

so i keep myself busy these days. with work. the beginning of the school year is so busy. with church...just finishing our VBX...with my nieces and nephew...lots of disneyland/sea world/sleepovers/quality dates with nina. with friends...really enjoying spending quality time with my friends.

life is good. different. unknown. but good

Empty me Lord....so I can be filled with You

Doesn't know why it bothers me so....but it does...

family vacation!!!

so every year my grandparents take the family to lake powell for a week in july!! i have great memories on our houseboat as a child. its so relaxing and a good time for all of us to be together. well i havent been on this trip since i was 17...but this year it just so happens that i am off track in july so i am totally able to go...

it was a great trip. we relaxed, played games, ate, and laid in the sun...so good!!! here are a few pics...

this was our view from the back of the boat...so pretty

!

challenge to self.

i have decided that i would like to read through all of the psalms. start to finish. 

i find myself often feeling irritated, angry, hurt, discontent, lonely, insignificant:::: all feelings that are not from the Lord and definitely opposite of being filled with His joy and purpose:::: more often than i would like. 

So i figured i would  fill my heart and mind with thoughts of Him instead. and have chosen to try reading the psalms. i feel like David (and the other authors) felt some of those same feelings and so i would be encouraged and CHALLENGED in reading their words.

so i will read. and hopefully journal a few thoughts...i like to journal. it helps me process.

psalm 1

i want my delight (great pleasure) to be in the law of the Lord. How can i make this happen? 

i fall short of meditating (thinking deeply, carefully considering) on it day and night. i pray for better diligence in meditating on the Word. Need work on memorizing more scripture. :-( 

to be like a tree...firmly planted BY THE STREAM. How can i grow if i do not soak in the Word??

He promises to WATCH OVER the way of the righteous and that the way of the wicked WILL perish

random thoughts

its crazy how certain things trigger memories in our mind. 

you can hear a song on the radio and instantly you are back at a middle school dance reliving some awkward moment. or a song reminds you of someone special and your face lights up. 

you can smell a familiar smell and be reminded of a place you have been to or a person you love. 

you can look at a picture and be reminded of fun times and bad clothing/hair style choices. 

an event can happen and you are 'time warped" back to another time and place. 

it can bring joy, laughter, and comfort to have these memories triggered. i love moments when this happens:::

every time i hear britney spears' "dont let me be the last to know" i am dancing with * a boy* at my junior prom. that memory and the feelings that went with it are so clear and vivid and are triggered each time i hear that song. 

curve cologne is a "safe" smell for me. i feel safe and comfortable  and familiar when i smell it. my dad wears it and so does josh. i find comfort in that smell. ~TRUE STORY: i also love the smell of menudo cooking. my grandma would often let it cook overnight and waking up to that smell was my favorite cuz i knew what we were eating that day. (fat kid at heart) it now reminds me of my grandma who passed away when i was in high school. its a memory.

i love to sit and look at pictures of "back in the day" i am often reminded of good friends, great relationships, and insane amounts of laughter. i love capturing moments with my friends. keepsakes. memories.

but it also works in a negative way.

there are songs i hear that take me back to memories i would rather forget. songs that i used to like and i am think: "what was o thinking?"

there are smells that do not remind us of pleasant things.

there are pictures i am sure we would all wish didnt exist.

 most of the time things happen in life that we have no control over. these events much like songs, smells, and pictures remind us of things...people...places...emotions. this can bring good or bad memories and often they catch you off guard.

something happens and it gets you all worked up and you cant figure out why...then you realize that this has triggered some other memory...

crazy.

So...i love this guy...really i do. He makes me smile and laugh. all the time. he keeps me in check (hahaha but really, that is a difficult job) he loves me. he serves me. he listens (most of the time..hahaha) to my meaningless stories. he lets me be me....and seems to love me for who i am :-) he puts up with my inexplainable quirks and logic (he has some of his own...)

he is my best friend and i just love to be in his company. i feel comfortable and safe with him around. i want to serve him. i respect him. he is a man who truly desires to glorify God in all that he does. i am challenged and encouraged by him all the time. i am constantly learning how to show him my respect. i am so blessed by him...

i love this picture (thanks hooch) its blurry...which is how life feels sometimes...crazy busy...but we both have such big smiles on our face...we are happy...filled with joy and love...i love it. i love him.